Trying..needing to focus

I love my job. It's not really recession proof, no job is, but it's steady and I'll always be employed. I've been working on this huge project at work and it brings me in contact with a lot of people outside of my office. One girl I've been seeing a lot of is kinda beautiful. She smells good. I love girls that smell good. I guess that much is obvious but I'm sure that there are men out there that like their women to smell bad. If I could only get her to wear glasses...to satisfy my optical fetish.

I was emailing with a coworker and she was telling me how crappy things are at home for her. Is this shit rampant or what? I think I nailed it when I said that the way I feel today is how I felt when I got divorced. I get this foreboding feeling. Like something that I want to happen yet don't want to happen is gonna happen.

After trading emails I came to the conclusion that I don't want to deal with the single life. I'm actually afraid that I might get lonely. I thought I'd never get to that point yet here I am staring it in the face. I've never been one to:

A) Ever be lonely
B) To ever feel lonely

I need to refocus. Maybe I'll take up Gymkata to focus my energy.

Bring on the funk...

I'm in a 'mid-funk' stage. Mid-funk is somewhere between Full-funk and No-funk. It's not when your belly button reeks of old lint but it could be descriptive of a woman in Ohio who refuses to bathe. Full-funk is when all is lost or whenever you're listening to George Clinton. No-funk is when everything is good or a Fergie song is on the radio.

So what ails me? It's this relationship. We had a non blowout, blowout. We didn't argue at all. We talked but some revelations bubbled up towards the top. I was going to type this whole diatribe on the argument but that was when I first started typing it. It's the afternoon now and I'm just thinking...WHATEVER.

I'm not going to put any more effort into it today. I'm always going to be me. Like or not. Take me and all my flaws.


I did get a raise last week so that's pulled me up to at least Mid-funk. That's gangsta.

Eating well has done wonders for how I feel physically. I feel skinnier. I feel healthier. Since I've been maintaining this healthy course, I found that I'm making better choices when I eat. I'm no longer gorging myself. (I've never really gorged myself but it sounds cool when used in a sentence.) Seriously though, eating healthy is almost better than licking the upper arm of the new American Idol judge while naked except for a bowtie. She's hot like that. (American Idol reference is just for you ICB).

I swear I had more to write but stupid work got in the way of any intelligent thought I may have had.

Mortality

Lately I've been coming to grips with my own 'mortality.' I'm not saying that I'm dying any time soon, that's definitely not the case, but I am getting older. With age comes a lot of things that I'm not prepared to handle. Maybe I thought I would always be young.
Case in point, I look at a lot of women my age and we just don't have a lot of in common. That might be the thing that bothers me the most. It seems that I have more in common with women younger than me which causes a dilemma because most other things I don't have in common with younger women. At my age, many women have retired to knitting and Sunday scrapbooking sessions. If that's your thing, get your knit on. I would rather be exploring a new mom and pop breakfast joint or lying in bed with someone than watching you knit over coffee.

I guess this goes hand in hand with my last post about becoming single. I have to add the religious right to that list. A lot of women are finding God. That's cool. Me and JC are friends too but I don't make it a habit to quote scripture in everyday talk. I can't stand the religious rhetoric that I hear more and more. Don't force your verses on me. I can't say that I'm religious at all. I like to say that I'm spiritual. I find it hard to believe that any higher power channels his thoughts through one person because they have a nifty collar. Whatever.

I think if I took more mypace/Jersey shore pics, you know the ones that are at an angle in the bathroom where you pout your lips, I would be more in line with today's standards. I hate those pics so I'll cross that off my list of things to do.

I'm not old by any means. I'm not even close to 40. I guess I just feel old and out of touch. The other part is my self image. I've never had a problem with it. I don't have low self esteem. I'm far from it, but physically I'm not where I want/used to be. In short, I've gotten fat. It's a good thing that I don't rest on my laurels (what exact does that entail?) and I've started on a path for a healthier lifestyle. I've cut out the cocaine and smack. I'm kidding. I've never done a drug except weed on rare occasion during high school. But I have started getting right physically in the hopes that it will filter down to my mental well being.

Here's to me and never ever finding anyone compatible enough. At least I'll be muscular!

Screwed

I think if I ever become single again I'm screwed. It seems like everyone:

• hikes
• likes the outdoors
• goes 4-wheelin'
• is into knitting
• hits the bars on a regular basis
• fishes
• reads classic novels
• listens to NPR
• belongs to a theater group
• has multiple cats
• has drama,
• runs marathon

I have either never done any of those things or I've done it once and didn't care for it. I am a city boy so that rules out being an outdoorsy kind of guy. I'm pass the age of bar hopping. I'm far from a redneck. The kind of theater I like most involves popcorn and laughing. I'm not opposed to getting dressed up and seeing a play though.

The way I see it, I'm screwed as a single.

This week has been fairly shitty week at work. At home too. I know that previous sentence is a fragment. Deal with it.

I've been colloborating with a new girl on a project and I think she was a man in a former life. Maybe even this life. I've seen enough documentaries on Thailand to recognize a crossdresser.

Another woman on this same project bugs the crap out of me. She tends to answer questions, even if she's not the one being asked. I HATE THAT. If I ask someone a question there's a purpose. I want to see if they know the answer. A lot of times I already know the answer but I need to see if the other person does. If this lady is within earshot of the question she will stop what she's doing just to try be the one that answers. Why? Obama really needs to sign an executive order that allows me to swiftly kick people in the solar plexus when they do that.

I'm crossing my fingers for a better weekend. Either that or I'm waiting for that Obama's chop on that order.

A sign?

I saw a sign on the way to work today and it registered somewhere deep in me. It said, 'Just for today, don't give up.' That got me thinking...do I give up on my relationship?

We haven't been connecting these last few days. Part of me isn't bothered by it at all. I guess it has a lot to do with the fact that my 'I Don't Give a Shit' meter is very sensitive. There isn't a whole lot that I give a shit about. I limit what bothers me to things that really matter.

That's not to say that my relationship doesn't matter. It does or I wouldn't be writing about it. Here's the thing, I've been plugging away at this relationship for a few years now and while its had its good times, the bad times are just as plentiful.

Just for today...do I give up?

Yet another quality post...

I accidentally got turned on by a coworker who I can't stand. She and I were in a meeting and I glanced over at her. The way she was sitting gave me a perfect view of her shoes. Wow. Hot as fuck. Something about her shoes made her look hot. How weird is that? It bugs me because we're thrown together on a lot of projects and she always does things the hard way. She's been with company since the first form of payments they took were large coin like stones. So she only knows one way...the way she's been doing it since she took the company photo with Moses in it. She refuses to embrace technology and all that it offers. LOL Cats? That's progress. Hug it.

At least it was a female.

I had an email discussion with a coworker (we sprinkled the emails with work too) about why our former boss is so hot. She's gay. Gay women make the best wing people. Write that down.

I feel more and more sophomoric as I type.

My guilty secret is that I love American Idol. Please keep that close to the vest. I think you lose ninja points if you are caught watching it and everyone knows that ninjas are always watching. The new judge is hot and the bikini girl is not. THe bikini girl looks like someone stepped on her face with a very wide platform shoe.

I swear one day I'm going to get busted for surfing at work.

Married women...

I seem to have an extra gene in my body. It's slotted neatly between the gene that makes me smell good and the gene that makes women not want to commit to me. The direct effect of this gene is that it acts as a pheremone for married women.

There have been case studies on it. The science is solid. If it's on the internet it must be true.

I'll pause so you can all judge me.

PAUSING...

/END PAUSE

One married women was cool. We hooked up through mutual friends. She made me breakfast a few days during the week. Her hubby would leave for work and I would drive up. It was fun. It lasted two months. Then she got all moral on me. What the hell is that? I still run in to her from time to time. She still looks hot. But those damn morals kill me. What happened to the 70's? Please bring it back.

Another woman and I met while eating lunch. She sat at table next to me and we just starting talking. We made this warp jump from lunch to shady trysts in her car. We never had sex, mainly because I'm not 18 and sex in a car is only fun with hookers and cheerleaders. I don't like hookers and cheerleaders bug me. It's something about that perma smile they always have even when their team is down by a million points.

That one ended when we started to go on a S&M route. Whoa. Pump the brakes. Nothing about wearing a mask and a ball gag appeal to me. So that ended quickly.

Is there really a good way to end a post like this?

Twitter

I finally got a twitter account (acousticblinding)...how the heck do you find people if you don't know them?

If I ever...

I decided that if I ever date again I want to date this woman. She's kind of hard to see in the pic but it's the Yahoo Mail girl that greets me everytime I check my mail. I wonder if she uses IM? I updated my blogger profile to include my IM screen name just in case she reads my blog. (Incidentally, if anyone wants to add me please save me from my having to work by entertaining me on the internetz.)

But I don't see myself dating ever again. If the relationship I'm currently toiling in doesn't completely suck the will out of my soul and I have some minute hankering for companionship just shoot me.

I have the classic love/hate relationship. I hate it somedays. I love it other days. As of today I'm teetering on a 50/50 split. Being in this relationship has given me more sympathy to those that are 'stuck' in a relationship. I wish I was just able to cut and run but it's not that easy. I sound like a tool, I know.

Part of me doesn't want to let go of potentially a great thing. The other part of me just wants out.

Today I hate her.

I'm trying, Seriously.

For that one person that reads my blog, thank you by the way, I'm really trying to write more. It's not as if I don't have enought to write about. That's not it. I just don't feel the need to write or by the time I get next to a computer my creative juices have dried up like a good prune.

Even the title of my blog bugs me. For some reason I can't write unless I have a title that I like. In the past when I've blogged it's always been under some really cool name. That inspired me in some way.

I'm going to try to blog more often. I've found that when I don't I'm much less happy because I lack some sort of release. Writing gives me a release. If I don't have something then I suck and those around me feel the suckage seep towards them. (Suckage is a word if you were wondering.)

I was going to retitle my blog to reflect something more about my relationships but that ended up sounding somewhat limited. So I decided today on the way to work to keep this title and hammer out the posts.

Let the boredom ensue.