So bored

...I'm half tempted to post my number at work online to see who calls me.

Enough

I'm having a hard time focusing today. I had a long weekend of nothingness. I didn't do shit but sit and stew about, well, shit. Most of it was focused on The Girlfriend.

Here's what's really going on....

We live together. We still live together. We haven't truly broken up. It sounds so easy to just leave but it's not that easy. The thing that makes it hardest to leave is finances. At one point I was sure I was going to marry this girl. Based on that we made some decisions that impact both of us. Namely we put things in BOTH our names. We invested in real estate thinking that it would give us a little nest egg for when we get old and retire. It sounded so good, buy some property, let someone else pay it off by renting it from us and make some money. Little did we know the bottom of the real estate market would drop like a stripper for a dollar bill.

Selling the property is not an option. We would lose all the money we've invested in it so far. We're sort of stuck until the market gets better or until we get a good deal. We pulled it off the market until then.

We both own one SUV and three motorcycles. I have a kickass Harley and crotch rocket. She has a Harley. Those we could get rid of fairly easily but we would take a loss on them too.

The third financial piece is that I dropped $6000 on a three week vacation to the Carribean. It's non refundable. So I'm stuck with her for three weeks in a cool bungalow. I can live with that but I can't lie and say I my eyes won't wander because I'm just not that in to her anymore.

So I spent the better part of this weekend thinking about how can I get out of it. We did have sex but I wasn't in to that either. It sucked for me.

In the meantime I'm passing up all these opportunities to get to know other women because who the hell is going to understand that I'm in a relationship. I could do the girl on the side thing but that always ends up with the girl getting to attached and that's messy. I'll pass.

So I made up an escape plan. I felt like JLO in that one movie, Enough.

In the meanwhile I'll focus on the gym. It always does me really well when my mind isn't focused. Endorphins have a way of focusing me.

Thoughts running through my head at any given moment

• How does Midget Arms' wife put up with him?
• I miss her.
  
• Will Hayden Panitierre be fat when she gets older?
• How cool would it be if I really lived like one of the guys off of Flight of the Choncords?
• I should just stay single forever.
  
• What can I get away with today?
• It won't be that bad if I only did it once will it?
• I really need a super power.
  
• I've got to get out.
• Is she trying to get in my pants?
  
• There's got to be a better way to do that.
  
• Love is way overrated.
• Is that a man or a woman?
• I would do her.
• Only a few more months to put up with this crap.
• I need a new lunch buddy.
• Why do I gravitate towards younger chicks?
• Why are women my age so goody goody?
  
• Is my blog that boring?
• Man I love trouble.
• I can't be the only one around here who's sneaky.
• Why are there so many unhappy wives?
• Everyone is shady. I just embrace it.
  
• If I get caught I'll still get away with it.
• Get a friggin' real ringtone.
  
• Pace yourself.
• Nice nipples!
• There's gotta be one good thing about her.
• She's so ready to leave her boyfriend if not cheat.
• Keep it legal.
• Do these people really think I want to be friends with them?
• I'm only doing this so you owe me a favor.
• What ever happened to The Conductor?
• Am I the only freak at work?
  

It's complicated but life is still good

Things with me and The Girlfriend are complicated. We did break up but there's more to it than that. I think that deserves a post of its own. Suffice to say we had ex sex and ex sex is awesome. I think a post on ex sex is deserving of its own post too. I'll save those for later instead of having this run on paragraph of competing ideas and thoughts.

I've begun my shift in life. I'm taking a new turn for a new me. I realize how 'new age' that sounds but it's the simplest way to express it. Even that may not be entirely accurate. I'm just trying to change things in preparation of upcoming events, my impending, total singledom amongst other things.

I'm back in they gym now! It's been two weeks and counting. I forgot how much I love to work out. I used to be a gym rat. Part of me hopes that people can still see that I had a 'hot bod' (as young people put it) at one point and just sort of fell out the groove.

Yes I'm vain to a degree. No matter what people say, looks go a long way in life. Looks go a long way in business too. If a good looking guy told you something and an ugly guy told you something different, who would you instinctually believe first? The good looking guy right? I thought so.

I haven't heard from Ding-a-ling Girl but it's only been a few days since our initial encounter. She did call me at work though. I doubt it was work related. She didn't leave a message for me. I just saw her number on my caller ID on my desk phone. Unfortunately she has my work number but it's okay because I can ignore her to my heart's content since all calls run through a switchboard at work. No one has my actual number and I can 'blacklist' a number so that my desk phone won't ring and the caller thinks the number is disconnected. You gotta love technology. This is a key tool when you have disgruntled, former lunch partners or wannabe scrote snaggers.

There's also a possibility of a new woman for lunch time activities. I'm not sure where it's going but my instincts tell me she wants it to go somewhere other than work. She's an older lady and is entirely too interested in my personal life. She asks a lot of questions. I took notice that she doesn't talk to anyone else like this so its got me thinking. She's married, unhappily I might add. I'm like this weird hybrid of Dr. Phil and a Chippendale dancer. Women want to talk to me about their innermost thoughts then want to see me naked. I know better than to fondle coworkers on company time so I'll leave it alone but I'm also so fascinated by all things I shouldn't be doing. My life can be such a conundrum of interconnected yet polar opposite thoughts.

Overall life is good. I don't have many complaints. The complaints I do have are all fixable in either the short run or will work out in the long run. I'm just working out the kinks as I go.

Mr. Miyagi, my sensei

Sad news. My newest lunch time partner is out. I was considering Ding-a-ling Girl but I quickly shot that down. Rather, she shot herself down. In your comments, my two faithful readers, it was mentioned how sickening it was for a woman to throw herself at a man in that fashion. I agree.

As the day progressed with her it got worse.

She kept commenting on how big my feet were. She kept literally staring at my crotch and she wasn't trying to hide it. At one point I swear she licked her lips. I'll confess that I did kiss her. Hey I wanted to see if she was a good kisser. She was. So sue me. But in my defense, I kissed her way before she turned on the heat. Maybe that's what spurred the next event...

As I was getting ready to leave she reached out and tried to cop a feel of my scrote. Luckily I watched Karate Kid earlier in the week so I was able to execute the wax on /wax off block with Ralph Macchioesque precision.

To her credit, she was very cute, almost hot. She was even sexy..BUT..she made it too easy. Come on, at least make me chase a little bit. Not too much to where I'll get bored but enough so that I get to at least feel like I accomplished something.

The whole grabbing of my crotch like Michael Jackson turned me completely off. Needless to say she's out for my lunch time buddy.

Once again the search ensues. Maybe I'll grab lunch with the softest girl in her hood when I'm up there! At least I know she won't make a play for my nads.

Ding-a-ling

I'm sitting next to the girl who confessed to checking out my ding-a-ling. Yes I said ding-a-ling. What a wonderful word. I don't know how I get myself into these situations. If you ever want to see what a woman would say and do to a perfect stranger hang out with me sometime.

I was in Amanda's hood (as if there are hoods where she lives!) on Friday meeting with a client. We ended up going to lunch as a group and oddly enough got separated in sidebar conversations. I think this girl made an effort to get me alone.

It was just small talk initially. Then we started talking about hitting the bars. I asked her where she goes and she told me. She said, 'You should come out there sometime. I'll buy drinks.' I said, 'I don't know that my girlfriend would like that.' (That's usually a fishing line to see what the girl says in response.) She said, 'Then don't bring her. Just hang out with me.' That's where I knew I was in.

I asked if she minded that I had a girlfriend she said no of course. This story is really long because it happened over the course of 4 hours so I'll shorten it before I get carpal tunnel syndrome.

She told me that she doesn't have a bf but doesn't care if I have a gf. She just wants to hook up on the side. She told me she wanted to see me naked because she was checking out my ding-a-ling as I walked in and when I was sitting next to her. She wants an up close view of it.

She told me that I was attractive. Then she showed me naked pics of herself on her phone! How's that for a follow up to a compliment?

I swear this is a true story. You would not believe some of the stuff I get myself in to. There's something about me that screams: UNDER HIS PROFESSIONAL EXTERIOR LIES A PLAYER.

The thing is, I always look professional. I'm always in slacks and a button up. I keep things very business like. I kind of have to in my line of work. If I don't appear this way then people won't take me serious and won't trust that I know what I'm doing.

I don't know what is but chicks always want to check the ding-a-ling. Man is she going to be disappointed...

UPS

Holy shit this chick was/is checking out my package. How do I know? She told me....